Saturday, December 28, 2013


By Bob

            Three weeks ago, a pack of ten Rez Dogs – Peter Tempest, Tim Pikaart, Don Tamminga, Dirk Hollebeek, Chuck Van Drunen, Bob Rosebrough, Alan Philips, Nate Haveman, David Nordstrom and Scott Nydam drove to Moab to take on the epic White Rim trail.  A report: 

1.    NATE’S FIRST KOM.  Mid-week before the pack left for Moab, an email from Strava was delivered to Scottie’s inbox saying, “Uh oh! Nate Haveman just stole your KOM!”  Nate of course is Dirk’s new darkside protégé who has been feverishly upgrading his bike, inflicting pain in group rides and scouting KOMs since coming under Dirk’s evil spell during the Darkside Classic this fall.  Scottie forwarded the Strava email (which referred to a segment called ‘training opener climb’) to Chuck and Bob with an email that simply said, “Uh Oh!”  To which Bob said, “What the hell!?!?! Why do I think this must have been what it felt like at the beginning of the dark ages?” and Chuck joined in, “Pay back on the white rim?....oh what a bitch for haveman.”  As you might suspect, when Chuck is involved, there is much more to this story.  From the swirl of wildly conflicting stories, we have patched together this full and exclusive account:  Nate spent two solid weeks scouting out vulnerable KOMs before settling on a climb going south on 2nd street and enlisted Chuck (Yes!!!! They guy who was later saying Nate deserved payback!!!!) to give him a lead out as part of an all-out, premeditated assault on Scottie’s KOM.  Nate, with Chuck’s complicity, pulled it off and then Chuck, feigning innocence, played double agent and spurred Scottie on to seek revenge.  Oh, what a tangled web we weave!! 

2.    DIRK ON STRAVA?  Can you imagine it?!?!  Just north of Monticello on the way up, Bob asked Dirk, “When are you going to get on Strava?” Bob handed Dirk his phone and Dirk began reviewing Strava results and segments from the past 28 days from Gallup riders.  For the next forty miles, Dirk’s breath changed.  He started breathing in short gasps, his mouth was dry and his pupils constricted.  Then Dirk started twitching in his seat and appeared disoriented as he went through cycles of hyper alertness followed by times when he suddenly nodded off and then jerked back to consciousness.  Finally as the lights of Moab started coming into view, Dirk gathered himself enough to speak these labored words, “I - create - all - the - drama - I - can - handle - on - my - own - without - Strava.  I - don’t - think - I - can - handle - any - more.”  Okay, Dirk, we are going to give you a free pass here.  You may be right on this one. 

3.    HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE WHITE RIM.  The next day was an 80+ ride on the White Rim from the visitor’s center on Island in the Sky, down the Schaeffer Trail, around the rim and up and out at Horsethief.  The highlights:

·      Chuck aka “Morning Guy” slumping at the breakfast table at 5am with heavy eyes and drooping extremities (looking just like Dirk during depressive part of the Strava-induced-cycle from night before.)
·      Descending the Schaeffer Trail with a mountain goat cutting switchbacks and blasting straight downhill ahead of us.
·      A glorious sunrise at Musselman Arch 10 miles into the ride.
·      Cruising around the basins on the first half of the route and stopping briefly at each to gawk at the unearthly landscape below the rim.
·      Grinding up Murphy Hogback (the first of the three big climbs on the 2nd half of the route) and stopping for lunch where Peter passed around some of Bijou’s balls.
·      The exhilaration of seeing the support jeep driven in by Scottie, with his sons in tow, at the perfect spot (mile 60+/-).
·      A buck naked Chuck surprising Bob as he labored up the Potato Bottom climb and then disappearing into a portal and reappearing fully clothed.
·      The sheer, unadulterated agony of the sandy stretch between Potato bottom and Horsethief into a headwind and the final, epic climb up and out at Horsethief. 

A CONCLUDING QUESTION:  Is it possible for 10 mountain bikers from Gallup in 4 separate vehicles to all go through Monticello on the same trip without someone getting a ticket?  Not possible.  Never has happened.  Never will.  This year the Monticello police gave Bob an early $119 birthday present. 

No comments:

Post a Comment